Wednesday, August 6, 2008

A Major Catalogue of Minor Mishaps




Alright after Laos I said I wouldn't bother doing this but just when you think you've reached the pinnacle of suffering one event trumps another.

Before I say this I should first apologise to my mother (and yes, you did tell me) but I got a little bit too drunk (accidentally and by stealth of course; but too drunk nonetheless) in Nha Trang a couple of days ago. There was a beach party going on and since we'd booked a dive for not the next morning but the one after this was our only chance to get good and sauced in this town. And by God did we grab it with both hands. I didn't mean to though, we went and had a nice dinner waiting for this beach party to get moving and had a couple of beers, and I really mean a couple, not an Irish couple of beers, which means at least four, a genuine couple: two. And I was perfectly in control of myself. But then we arrive at this party and the entrance fee comes with a Jagerbomb. Fine, it's just one. Then we order a bucket. Vodka I think this time, half filled with ice and juice but with a serious and undectable amount of hard liquor within. I had two of those rather quickly just delighted to be listening to good music (the first since we came to this part of the world and the only since; we're in Hoi An at the moment and a club last night was DJed by a short Asian dude who smoked to help the tension of picking out the single least enjoyable songs to play to a club of people from the computer's library. He approached the task like it was something of serious medical importance and I developed a still burning hatred for him since he played La Bamba with this expression on his face closely followed - I wish I was joking - by Galway Girl) and suddenly I was terribly drunk. Too drunk. Dangerously drunk.

I wish the scars I'm healing from at the moment could have been from some valiant encouter with a thief or doer of wrongs wherein I countered some malfeasence with raw heroism but alas I tripped off a step on the beach like the drunk tit I was, cutting my face. Later I would trip again spraining my ankle so badly as to have it swell beyond walking size. It would swell to the point that I was prompted to attend a local medical clinic (which ended up being quite professional and reassuring and where I procured much to my delight xray proof of an unbroken but depressingly badly sprained ankle). However the worst it seemed was to come when, walking a friend home - in fact I think it was her walking me home such was my ultra tipsiness - when a gaggle of the worst type of bastard (a thief trying using the cover of trying to sell you things) surrounded us. It was seriously intimidating in retrospect but I was weirdly cognisant of what was happening mad as it seems to me now. Anyway they swiped my friends camera and emptied her wallet. When she started crying at the idea of so many lost pictures the promise of a reward had it produced to me immediately. We managed to hobble away and make it to bed proper upset with the locals of Nha Trang (and probably wrongly so since only a small minority actually pull this type of shit, still it's hard not to paint a few backgrounders with the same colour when you're smearing it on so thick on the main subjects). This wasn't all, Adam's wallet and watch were thieved from his person also. I can't speak for his level of inebriation but it can't have been shallow enough that he'd have no problem operating heavy machinery anyway.

So here we are in Hoi An (a small but nice town with excellent local foods and plenty of restaurants all trying to outdo each other with their own versions) taking stock of our major catalogue of minor mishaps, and it looks thus:

Paul: A mildly (compared to this one) sprained ankle in Kanchanaburi.

Adam: A badly upset stomach that lasted a week, compliments of a roadside diner in Bangkok.

Paul: An almost majestic fall from a breaking balcony into the gushing river in VangVieng.

Adam: A (very funny) fall, potentially more serious than it turned out to be, into what had looked like a path but turned out to be a 4 foot deep open sewer in Luang Prabang.

Both: Badly cut feet with wounds that wouldn't heal from 7 days of consecutive diving in deep and aggravating (to wounds) seawater in Ko Tao.

Paul: A funny but smarting fall right on my ass after leaving the half moon party and travelling 4 hours direct to our old island home. Fell right on the base of my spine which went numb a little. In that state I almost wanted to cry, now I can't do anything but laugh.

Adam: The reappearance after years of dormancy of his wisdom teeth which it seems have decided to check out what all this eating things is about. They're keeping quiet lately but for a while there the desperate thought of using a south east asian dentist reared it's ugly head.

Paul: As explained above a very badly sprained ankle resulting in my currently swollen a bruised left foot and some hideous scaring on my face which has thus been rendered more hideous.

Again, Mom if you're reading this I didn't write any of the above to make you worry (which you shouldn't) just to let you (and whoever else is reading) know that I'm okay despite it all.

I'll hobble off to dinner now but one of the lovely things about this town: I just had a suit tailored along with 3 cotton/silk shirts. I came from the first fitting today and I felt like a million Dong!

1 comment:

a said...

HA HA you'd look well 'ard if it wasn't for the cheesy grin. :)